


the pretty words that you left behind

by PRDSHAO97



Series: A world without you [1]
Category: SHINee
Genre: Depression, Emotional Hurt, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Self-Harm, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-15
Updated: 2018-08-15
Packaged: 2019-06-27 15:28:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,130
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15688233
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PRDSHAO97/pseuds/PRDSHAO97
Summary: it was like the world had stopped, and key would do anything to have him back





	the pretty words that you left behind

if key could wish for one thing, for anything, it would be to have him back.

it would be to see his smile, the smile that always seemed to lighten up the world around it. or it would be to hear that annoyingly loud laugh at during rehearsals, the laugh that always made kibum roll his eyes and smile. or maybe it was to stay up till 5am watching cheesy kdrama's on his laptop. it was those nerve racking nights before major concerts spent cuddling or the mornings of banter when kibum was annoyed with being woken up. it was moments like those that he yearned for. the good moments, and even the bad ones. where they would spend days without talking to each other after fights, or when kibum would skipped days of eating in order to stay in shape for their comeback. when he wouldn't be home for days because of his packed schedule and unhealthy routines.

key wanted them all back. ever single moment. the giggles, the tears, the hugs and the whispers of reassurance. the fleeting touches, the promises for better days. all of it. he wanted it all back.

which was why, as he curled deeper under the covers, kibum couldn't stop his tears. they just kept coming down his face, staining the pillow beneath him. his body was shaking with sobs, which were weakly muffled by his hand. he didn't want his band members to know of the agonizing pain that ran through his veins every time he got reminded of him. he didn't want them to know how truly broken he was, how much he was suffering because he had lost his will to breathe. he had lost the only thing that had made his life worth living. all the colors in the world had faded from his grasp, and now he was left with withering grays.

with each sob came waves of pain, waves that were centered around his heart. each one stabbed him, reminding him, screaming at him. they were layered with words, the words he should've said, words that would forever fall onto deafened ears no matter how loud he screamed them. it was so loud, each and every one. they cursed at him, pleaded with him. they yelled at him for not letting them out, for not saying the things that could've saved him from this pain. they had come from the heart, yet now they held no meaning. if he screamed them out into a blank space, would they paint the world with their meaning, or would they sink to the ground? the ears they were cold and deaf, so their meaning no longer existed.

around him, memories seemed to flash. it was like he was beneath a projector where all his memories saved on file. everything was flashing past. and kibum wanted it to stop. he didn't want to be reminded anymore. he wanted it all to stop, stop.

"stop!" he screamed, although his voice was no more than a whimpering croak. he tried to keep it all from bubbling over, but the dam broke. the tears came faster, heavier. they didn't stop. key wanted them to stop. he was sick of crying, so sick of feeling weak, like a pathetic person cut out of paper.

when he sat up his body swayed. drained was the only thing that could describe him. his body was physically drained, mentally drained. because god was it a fucking struggle to even breathe. his skin looked ashy pale, covered in a loose long sleeved tee. his dark eyes had grown impossibly darker, fogged over with the tears of heartbreak, or denial, of emptiness. his hair, a voidless, black, unkempt mess atop his head. stiff legs were brought out from underneath the covers, baring themselves to the cold air. angry red lined his thighs, dark lines that screamed failure, that held hollow promises for the pain to go away. his boxer briefs, which barely clung to his hips, covered them as he stood up. beneath the sleeves were more promises, more bleeding lies and hollow words.

the scent of vanilla followed key as he walked towards the door. it clung to his clothes like a parasite. it was a scent that he used to crave, that used to make him feel full. now all it did was remind him of how god damn lonely he was. opening his bedroom door, key walked down the hallway, practically clingy to the wall so he didn't double over from sobs. there was one door that had remained closed in the house for the past few weeks, a door that no one had touched for they fears the pain it would bring them. key stared at that door as he neared it, his mind going through a war as his hand raised up.

beneath his palm, the wood was cold. it was icy, as if all the heat had been sucked from it. the door creaked open with a twist of the knob, and, despite the sobs, key's breath caught in his throat. if he thought hard enough, if he closed his eyes and breathed, it could be like everything was okay again. vanilla and lavender, their two scents mixed together. it was so sweetly bitter, so bitterly sweet. it was a scent that they had defined as their own, one they took and bottled up inside a mason jar. the bed before him was made neatly, as if it had never been touched in its life. the walls were decorated with pictures of them, their band members, or some landscape photos. it was a beautiful aesthetic that key loved, and he would never get tired of it. because it represented the owner so well. matched his simple yet complex style.

ripples of emotions passed through key. calm, love, peace. but then anger set in. anger replaced his tears. anger that was directed at no more than himself. anger that he could've done something, he could've prevented this, could've been there for him. he should've been there, yet he wasn't. he wasn't cause he was off feeling like a sorry loser. his best friend needed him, yet all he could do was wallow in his own self pity and ignore him. it was all his fault, all of it.

"fuck!" key yelled, hands gripping his hair harshly. a muffled sob fell from his lips once more as his teeth caught his lip. his eyes narrowed against the tears as he tugged at his hair. everything felt wrong, it was all wrong. all wrong, all his fault it was all wrong. he wasn't there, he left, he was to blame. all of it.

"no." fell softly from key's lips. he stared at one of the pictures accusingly. glared at it, seething. the bitter taste of anger was on the tip of his tongue, and he swallowed it, letting it soak into his insides. "not my fault. all yours. you're the ass that did it. you fucking left. you selfish bastard! you're a fucking coward! do you hear me, a fucking coward!" kibum doubles over, feeling as if he had been punched in the gut. his words, his hurt, kept bubbling past his lips, staining the air, shattering it. "you couldn't stay and handle your own fucking pain, so you transferred it onto someone else like a selfish little bitch! you thought dying was the answer? did you ever stop to fucking think about us? huh? what about us? all we've been through as a band? ten fucking years wasn't enough to tell us everything going on? you couldn't trust us? what about our feelings? you didn't stop to think about the pain you would inflict on us, did you? you just left us."

key reached for the nearest thing he could find, a vase, filled with a bouquet of withering flowers, matching the way kibum's heart felt. dying, delicate, on the verge of fading to dust. as if on reflex, key threw it at the wall. the shatter of the glass echoed loudly in the silence, matching key's angry sob. he grabbed another item, a plastic figurine. throwing it at the wall with an angry scream, key lost himself to his anger. he let his feelings bubble up, let them drown his every thought until he was fogged over, feeling the anger burn inside his chest. the anger sucked every bit of control out of him, the sadness suffocated his lungs with sobs. he felt like he was a whole new person, and he couldn't control it.

with a loud sob, key dropped to his knees. he held the next object he was gonna throw in his hands, tears washing against the clear glass. bright smiles stared back at him as if they were mocking him. the brightness of the photo, the memories of how the world used to be, of how it wasn't always bleeding, plagued his mind. he could hear the laughter, hear the laughter, feel the smiles, feel the warmth surrounding him, and it swarmed him. it burned him, broke him, cracking his walls until there was nothing left.

"you left me, you idiot. you left me." key hugged the photo to his chest, curling over. "what ever happened to forever?" there were no amount of words to describe how key felt on the inside. it was nothing and everything at the same time. there were so many different things raging through him that they dulled his senses. and it hurt, god did it hurt. "you promised to me that nothing would ever pull us apart. and you- and you fucking left! you broke everything we had! i trusted you! i fucking trusted you, you asshat! you good for nothing fucking asshole!"

key was full on screaming at this point. he flung the photo away, listening to the crack as it hit the door. his hands clutched his hair tightly, pulling at it. the pain wasn't enough to hide what he felt inside. the agonizing flames that licked at his heart, the knives that stabbed his brain and the rope that tied around his lungs constricted, stealing his ability to breathe. he was suffocating with each breath of air, and no matter how much air he took in, he couldn't erase the choking feeling he felt deep inside. his screams turned into loud, body racking sobs. they shook his body to the point of collapsing, with key leaning so far forward his forehead rested against the floor.

everything was so far gone from key, the world was fading so much that the yelling didn't break through the fog coating his brain. the soft touches failing to soothe his anxiety, only instead coaxing more sobs out instead of soothing them. why was he getting help when he couldn't even save his best friend? why should he get to heal when his best friend had been broken beyond repair? it wasn't fair.

"it's not fair." key sobs loudly, fighting the grip on him. he couldn't breathe. everything was too much, all of it. existing was becoming a task he didn't have the energy to complete anymore. "let me go! no, let me go!" the words come out as broken pleads, soft croaks of hollow demands that weren't from his heart. he tries to fight his way out, tries to release himself from the comfort and warmth the arms around his body, yet his body was far too weak and his mind had already given up. sagging back, he buries his face in the person's shirt, breathing in honey. his legs were drawn up to his chest, and he let himself be healed. his sobs, broken and jagged, cutting against everyone's hearts.

"hyung, it's okay. we got you." a soft voice whispers in his ear. he was rocked back and forth, a hand running through his hair while another rubbed circles over his back. someone draped a blanket around him, coating him in the vanilla and lavender that coated his dreams. despite his racing heart and sobs, key relaxed back, allowing himself to fall limp. his eyes were still shut, tears leaking past the barrier his eyelids created. the only thing registering in his broken, empty brain being the warmth he felt and the steady heartbeat beneath his ear.

everything was slowly coming back to key. his anxiety simmered back behind his heart, locking his shakes away. the tears were dried from taemin's soft hums, the promises to fix him, promises of being whole. minho rubbed his back, breaking apart his whimpers and jinki's hand through his hair chased away the thoughts stabbing his mind, giving him air to breathe.

and something tells him that, where the warmth in his heart sat, jonghyun was still there too.


End file.
